I am the mother of three beautiful sons ages 19, 11 and 8. They are each, in their own way, very special and each completely different. Now, I grew up with no sisters. I also grew up with a father who made it no secret that he really didn't care to have children. He showed some interest in my brother's sports as he thought that was something he was obliged to do but never showed any interest in me. Growing up, I tried to get along with girls but I found them un-trustworthy, backstabbing and just plain mean. I had no interest in playing their games then or now. I was no tomboy but I preferred friendship with boys. Boys are loyal friends and I 'understood' them. My favorite babysitting jobs were usually two or more boy households.
I understand my sons. They are courteous thoughtful, funny, loving and well mannered not the wild little hellions that many portray boys to be. Of course, having a nineteen year old, I've been through the rebellious years and the years of wanting to send him to military school (he's now, ironically, in the USAF). I adore my boys.
I ran a daycare for years so I could be home with my sons. I was never so happy as when my daycare was a testosterone jungle, no females aloud. I'd learned after having a few girls in the daycare that girls were mean and vicious to each other in a way boys were not. The boys might fight but ten minutes later they were buddies again. When I'd tell them what they needed to do, the girls would question my motives, the boys would just go wash their hands or turn off the TV or whatever I had requested. I used to say "God knew what he was doing when he gave me all boys."
"So, are you going to try for a girl?" What is it with people? Is it assumed that every family in the world MUST have at least one child of each sex? That we feel 'incomplete' if we don't have blue AND pink in the house? When I was pregnant with my sweet son number three the statement of choice was "Oh, maybe you'll get your girl this time." Oh I bit my tongue, not easy to do when you are pregnant but I was as nice as I could be. "Actually, I hope it's another boy." You would have thought I'd just told them I wanted it to be a puppy. News alert, not all of us want a girl and not all of us feel a need to have one. When you tell them you have three boys you get comments like, 'Oh sweetheart you must be worn out.' or 'My, you are busy, I feel for you," My answer is "Why? I'd rather have three boys than three girls." I'd rather have six boys then even one girl. I have friends with girls and while I'll admit the clothes and hair are fun, I can do that and return them to their parents. Better them than me. I'd see baby girls and gush about their hair or dress but I see baby boys and I just fall in love. I don't think this makes me a bad person. I have my preference and it's possibly rooted in events of my childhood but just as some people prefer living in the city to living in the country or dramas to comedies. I prefer boys. It's not a feminist's nightmare type thing I just get along with them and understand them.
A few months ago I ran into a girl I knew at the checkout at the grocery store. She had five boys and was pregnant. I heard the checkout lady say 'Oh, maybe you'll get your girl.' Well, I saw her a few days ago and she is now the lucky mother of six boys. I asked her "So, did we have a boy or girl?" and she said "boy". My answer, 'you are so lucky, boys are the best.' I have a feeling she hadn't heard that one yet. She agreed. Maybe I was the first one she'd run into with the same mindset she had. She gushed about having all boys and lamented the comments from others about 'getting her girl'. I laughed as I told her I'd been in the store when the cashier had made that comment and how I just wanted to launch myself on her.
Well, 3 months ago, 2 weeks after my 40th birthday and almost exactly a year after my eldest son graduated, I was told that I would be having a baby in 4 months, quite a shock after a vasectomy and a diagnosis of pre-menopause. I was devastated. I had my family and was slowly getting my freedom back and moving on with my life. Our three bedroom house finally allowed everyone to have their own room with the oldest boy gone. We'd eradicated the need for daycare now and the boys were close enough in age that they played ball on the same team and did the same activities unlike when I was toting tots to Jr High basketball games. Daddy's job takes him on the road six months of the year and the boys and I were planning to start going with him. We had a trip planned to go home to Washington this summer and it would be so much easier then previous summers as I remembered toting a 3 month old and and almost three year old on two planes to get home. I was even returning to school. I don't mean to say my life is perfect but I was happy with where I was. Three beautiful sons at a stage that allowed me a little breathing room. I'd started over once when the oldest was 9 and I wasn't happy about doing it again. This child would graduate when hubby dear was 60 and for me, it meant 38 years of active childrearing in all. Of course this setback would mean a lot more of a change for me then him. We'd even been told upon the birth of son number three that it was not a good idea for me to have another child so there was that consideration also. I thought I was as devastated as I could be. Then, four days later they did an ultrasound. Now, I could handle a bit of upheaval in my life, even a little inconvenience but as long as it was another boy the balance in my family, the dynamic, would not change so much. When they told me it was a girl I broke down. Cried like you'd told me one of my kids was dying. My life, as I knew and loved it had just come crashing down. I begged my husband to consider adoption. I just didn't want to give up another portion of my life. I liked where we were but he said he couldn't live with a decision like that. Every day I go out in public people make it worse. "Oh, maybe you'll get your girl." People ought to really think before they speak. Most of the time I ignore them. Sometimes I tell them I really just wanted another boy so my life would stay the status quo and on a few hard days with people I really didn't care for I've made comments like 'why don't you just wish cancer on me while you are at it.' Sorry but pregnancy hormones, antepartum depression and an unexpected pregnancy with only 15 weeks to prepare will do that to you. Seems I have another little known disorder known as gender disappointment to add to this list of ills. I really have enough to deal with without someone around every corner reminding me that I AM having a girl and that for some strange reason I am supposed to WANT a little girl because my boys just aren't good enough. I'm somehow incomplete without a girl.
I am doing all I can to deal with this blow. An unexpected pregnancy at 40 after a vasectomy and pre-menopause. A feeling that my one step forward is now three steps back. The monetary burden. The coming change in dynamics of my family through, really, no fault of my own and the fact that every day I am reminded that I am a horrible person for feeling this way. I've entered therapy to deal with this because the closer the day comes, 20 days left, I find that telling myself I'll feel different once the baby is here seems like lying to myself.
I am doing what I can as my husband is on the road 1000 miles away and my family is 2000 miles away. I'm overwhelmed and stressed and unhappy and, of course, I feel bad as I know there are thousands of women out there that WANT children and I get them by accident and am not grateful. I get it, in most people's eyes that makes me a bad person.
But none of this is helped by people who think their opinion of the perfect family is somehow something they need to saddle me with. You deal with your issues, I have plenty of my own and I am trying. Right now when you 'wish me well' with your misplaced hopes that I get a girl I just want to cause you physical harm just as you are causing me emotional harm.
